


the deathless love that stays (even after you're gone)

by Lavisyste



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Character Death, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, somewhat of a character study maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 16:18:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19321720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavisyste/pseuds/Lavisyste
Summary: (Whatever you may engage in (sight, hearing, eating), the way you feel about them might be something underlying telling you something deeper.)Kikyo had been running on borrowed time.Her time has run out.





	the deathless love that stays (even after you're gone)

 

Their beds are pushed together. They had been pushed together for a long time. It makes one giant bed that Kagome can starfish in, as is her right, she says.

 

There is no starfish tonight.

 

Despite how much space the joining of the beds bring, Kagome is right next to her. She ignores everything else, leaving not an inch of her skin untouched. She’s so close that Kikyo can hear her heart beating. She can feel her soul pulsating in her chest at a steady pace, as it calls back bits and pieces of the fractured remains in her own cold chest. Kikyo is further drawn by this, and it makes sense. Kagome blames herself. She blames herself for not wanting to separate herself from Kikyo as she should have, that her own selfish desires are what is causing this. Kikyo thinks no such thing. She simply tells her it is alright; she had accepted death before, and she will accept it now. There is little else to do, but wait for the inevitable.

 

But no matter what Kikyo says, Kagome can’t stop crying. So, the only thing Kikyo does is hold her close, and pray that her death shall be swift. If for no one’s sake but Kagome’s.

 

“I’m tired of seeing her cry,” she whispers, to no one in particular.

 

 

 

 

 

When Kikyo first tells her the news, Kagome doesn’t want to listen. That is understandable, she thought; Kagome is always marching to the tune of her own beat, and did as she pleased. It had been surprising when she first started taking care of the family shrine that Kagome seemed to be _listening_ to her and _heading_ her lessons. There had, of course, been times where she had to reason with Kagome, but those moments passed relatively quickly.

 

Reasoning with her on this took _days_.

 

It only makes sense, after all. Kagome is _her_ reincarnation, and the being that currently had the most power. The _only_ one who should be alive and active at this point in time. Kikyo, on the other hand, was a dead woman walking. A hollowed out clay corpse, only given life again due to demon magic. She’s on borrowed time – she had _always_ been on borrowed time. She knows this. She accepts it.

She had hated it, however, a long time ago – after she had been forced back into the land of the living, where the only thing that kept her moving was her desire for vengeance. Those truly living were free, and she was not, and she _despised_ them for it. She desperately desired for things she could not have, and in the end, was forced to work for the man who had deceived and killed her. Time had passed since those days, and Kikyo had grown to accept herself. She had come to find her own freedom, even in such a contradictory state.

 

She accepts her death.

 

Kagome does not.

 

Kagome, young and vibrant and clinging to _life_ , does not accept Kikyo’s impending fate. She is close to _breaking_ as she begs Kikyo to find a way; that there must be another _way_ , that there had to be something they could _do_. But she cannot find another way for Kagome. The Bone Eater’s Well is as tightly shut and sealed as on that day, and Kikyo does not practice the demon magic that had restored her. All Kikyo can assume is that whatever hold she had on what little of the soul she had left had been broken, the magic fizzing out. All Kikyo can do now is hold her, and tell her things will be fine. Kagome doesn’t believe her – she keeps on crying.

 

The only thing Kikyo can do is kiss her tears away.

 

 

 

 

 

There is a point where the whole household knows. Kikyo does not mind; it is pointless to hide such a thing. There is a heaviness to the air as they count down the days, the hours, and the minutes, until Kikyo leaves this world. Time is precious, they say, and they all spend it in the best way they know how, in the best way they can.

 

Kagome’s mother invites her to help with family meals, and to go out with her and have fun. They sit on the couch together, and watch old soap operas play out on the family TV. Kagome’s grandfather sits with her outside the shrine while she works, and they do not speak. She believes the silence speaks for itself. One afternoon, he tells her she did a wonderful job and that he was thankful for all the work she had done. That it was an honor to have her as a priestess. There is a strain to his voice.

 

 “Thank you for honoring me with this opportunity,” she tells him quietly.

 

He sniffles.

 

Sota is taking it the hardest, right after Kagome. Though he is becoming a fine young man, Sota had still yet to learn about life’s true troubles, and the hardships one had to endure through. His father died not long after Sota was born. Kagome tells her this is likely the first real time Sota’s had anyone close to him die. And that while Sota never openly says it, he sees her as a mentor; someone to rely on in hard times. Kikyo is happy to hear she has helped, even if it was only in small ways, like soccer practice. They sit outside near the shrine on a rainy afternoon. He’s trying not to cry, and she hugs him and he lets the tears spill.

 

 “I…. I don’t want you to die,” he says, his voice cracking.

 

“I know. But all things must come to an end, Sota. To die is to live, to live is to die. If it is my time to go, I must go.” There is little point in fighting death, she thinks. All things come to an end, and her end had come years ago. Her end comes again, and she will not fight it. She has no more strength left. It is easy to forget, though, she thinks, that while she has long accepted her own passing, the people around her are struggling. Kagome is the most visible example, because they spend the most time together. But it is not simply her – it is her mother, her grandfather, and Sota as well.

 

 “Will…. Will I see you again?” He asks softly.

 

Kikyo does not know. Her sister had not yet the chance to join her before Kikyo was resurrected, and in this moment, she does not know if her sister awaits her in the afterlife. She could be waiting there, or there could be no one at all. “Yes,” she tells him. She hopes that someday, she will see Sota again, as much as she wishes to see her own sister. It is a lie, because she does not know, but she says yes anyways.

 

They sit there in the quiet.

 

 

 

 

 

Kikyo remembers what it was like to die.

 

She remembers her first death. She was bleeding out from her shoulder. She was in so much pain, and she was so tired, and yet, she forced herself to aim the arrow that stuck Inuyasha to the tree. She had trouble breathing then. She felt her eyesight getting dark. Everything had been so painful, and it was so easy – it was so easy to let go in that moment, to let death take her. But she held on to the bitter end, to ensure they would burn her body with the Shikon Jewel, so it would never fall in evil hands again. She held on until that last moment, and when she was sure, she let go.

 

She remembers the pain of being resurrected. All of her hate, all of her anger, and her vengeance that kept her moving forward even as her soul was being ripped from her body. To breathe had been pain. To move had been pain. Her old wound had reopened, and she felt herself collapsing again. But she had held on to the bitter end.

 

She remembers how she felt when she had fallen down the cliff, letting go of Inuyasha’s hand. The sickening crack of bones splitting in her body, and the fear that she would no longer be able to move. Because in that moment, she did not crave death anymore. She had wanted to live, to see Inuyasha’s face as he finally perished. She was alive, and she was still _breathing_. 

 

This time will be better, she thinks.

 

She wonders what it will feel like to truly die in peace.

 

 

 

 

 

There is a burial plot set for her. Kikyo asks that she be burned, and that her ashes be buried on the grounds of the shrine. There is only a small red flag that marks her grave for now. It’s only temporary, Kagome’s grandfather explains. She’ll have a proper gravestone soon, and then it’ll be placed over as soon as they have her ashes. She thanks him for his care. As she stares at the site, Kagome is with her, holding her hand. She is crying, and Kikyo does her best to soothe her. She had told her earlier that she did not need to come to see the burial site just yet; there would be plenty of time for it after, but Kagome insisted.

“I….I want to spend every second I can with you, before you go. Even… Even if it means being next to where you’ll be buried,” she said through the tears, firmly holding her hand.

 

Kikyo does not deny her.

 

She remembers the time back when Kagome was this openly vulnerable. It had been after they first arrived in her time, when the well had spat them out so suddenly. She had been mourning the loss of Inuyasha, and had been taking it hard. Kikyo watches as Kagome breaks apart, and just like now, blames herself. She remembers that she did not know if she truly mourned Inuyasha, or simply the idea of what they would have been. The only thing she could remember is that she decided to be strong, for Kagome.

It is a small miracle, she thinks, that at the very least, Kagome was spared of seeing whatever fate Inuyasha had before him. It is tragic that now, there is _no_ sparing her.

 

“How… How am I going to move on from this? How…. I’m not going to be okay when you’re _gone_ ,” she says, breaking the silence.

 

“You must face the pain, Kagome, and you let it take its course. And in time, you will begin to heal again.” She tells her. “You are doing the best one can. You have always been stronger than you realize. You will move on, and you will be happy again – I know this to be true.” She smiles.

 

Kagome hugs her tight. Kagome hugs her like the first time out of the well, and Kikyo wraps her arms around Kagome and holds her close. She had not known what to do in that moment, but now, this is the only thing she can do.

 

“I love you,” she says, muffled into her shoulder as she begins to sob again.

 

“I….. I love you as well,” Kikyo responds, kissing her temple.

 

It’s the only thing she can do.

 

 

 

 

 

Kagome is desperate; for a chance to hold on, for a chance that things are not as they seem. Kikyo would pity such a miserable woman who could not accept the reality in front of her – there is little point in fighting off the inevitable. However, Kikyo cannot pity Kagome so easily. For whatever the truth may be, Kagome was _still_ the woman she loved, and it hurt to see her in such a state. It had hurt, the first time, as Kagome spiraled up and down. But this time, it was _worse_. Because Kikyo was the cause of it all.

They spend every waking moment together. Kikyo would say it was tiring, if there was not the heavy implication of ‘for the last time’. There is no time left, so Kagome takes advantage of all the time they have. So, for those few precious moments, Kikyo pretends with her.

Even as the future weighs on them.

Kagome takes her out on dates. She takes Kikyo out to all the places they had been talking about going at one point or another; the ones pushed to the side, because there was always another _day_. Kagome would always laugh when they ended up not doing the things they wanted to and would just say that maybe the next time then, they could go. There had been so many days like that, and now that are no days left, Kagome wastes no more time. There is no more laughing, saying tomorrow. Kagome wants to go _today_.

They sit outside, buying ramen from the convenience store down the street and watch as cars pass. Kagome laughs, asking her if she remembers the first real outing they had. Kikyo says yes, and that it was at _this_ convenience store. Even though they had worked together for the shrine, she remembers how flustered Kagome seemed that day.

 

“You said you felt sick that day,” Kikyo comments, as she looks at her empty cup of lime shrimp.

 

“Not really. I just used it as an excuse for you to come with me. Stupid, huh?” Kagome laughs again.

 

 

 

 

 

They take the train to go to all sorts of different places: parks, museums, and aquariums. Kagome is trying her best to show her all she can, and Kikyo stands back and watches the world around her. Five hundred years ago, it would have been impossible to imagine a world like the one she was standing in would exist. It seemed like the future was unchanging back then, and that things would never get better, no matter how hard one tried. Yet, here she was. Kikyo is _standing_ in it. She’s thankful for the time she was given. She smiles as Kagome tries to remember the names of the fish that swim by in their tanks. She laughs when Kagome horribly mispronounces an old poet’s name, and watches her go red. She sighs happily as they sit in the park, and Kagome retells old tales from her childhood.

 

She listens.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She stands at the bathroom mirror, applying red lipstick as Kagome brushes her own hair. How quickly time has passed them, Kikyo thinks, as Kagome lays her head on her shoulder without a word. She remembers the first time she bought a tube of lipstick. Even if it was a simple, dull shade of red, it didn't matter. Kikyo had been forbidden due to her duties as priestess. Kagome had encouraged her; she said that things were different now, and that she could just be Kikyo. So, she bought the lipstick and put it on.

“You look beautiful tonight,” Kagome whispers to her, as their eyes meet in the reflection of the mirror.

 

“You always say that,” she responds.

 

Kagome smiles. “Because it’s true.”

 

They go out one night. There is a gorgeous, quaint restaurant not too far from where they live; it’s the one where Kagome wanted to head there to eat for the longest time, but never found the chance to. It’s the same old story, she says; there was always something else in the way. She had even hoped, she says, to use the anniversary of when Kikyo had first come with her to go eat there. It was worth celebrating, in Kagome’s opinion. But there is always the present, and it would be a waste not to go at this point, Kagome finishes it off with a smile. Kikyo remembers the many times they passeed by this place over the last few years, and agrees. There is no time left, so they must take all they have.

 

Kagome pretends that Kikyo is her wife whenever they’re asked. There is no hesitation.

 

“Oh yeah, that’s my wife! Her name is Kikyo. Isn’t she the most beautiful woman ever?” Kagome smiles.

 

Kikyo was never allowed to be a wife before; for _anyone_.

 

She likes the sound of being Kagome’s wife.

 

 

 

 

 

They go out to the Ferris wheel at night, and watch the world go by. Kikyo has never seen the city from such a height before. The skyline dazzles with vibrant neon lights and skyscraper offices. It’s beautiful from the ground, but it is _breathtaking_ from such a height. Kagome takes a picture of the two of them with her phone. They both smile, enjoying the moment as the camera goes off, and Kagome makes the picture the wallpaper on her phone. “Isn’t this a nice picture? It’s… something to remember you by,” she smiles, as the bittersweet kicks in.

They talk, on many different things. Kagome does her best to smile, and tells Kikyo how much she loves her. How glad she was that Kikyo was here, even if they didn’t get on the right foot before. Kagome is glad to have met her, and is glad to have loved her. “I wouldn’t trade it for anything else.” She says softly. _Even for Inuyasha?_ , Kikyo wants to ask but thinks better of it. There is no need to reopen old wounds. For her part, Kikyo is simply thankful for all that Kagome has done.

 

“I shall miss you dearly,” Kikyo says.

 

“You can’t miss people when you’re dead. That’s – that’s not how it works, I think.” Kagome argues.

 

Kikyo simply smiles. “Then I shall do my best to do so anyways.”

 

Kagome laughs and hugs her. It is such a shame, she thinks; that such beautiful memories will always be stained by her passing.

 

 

 

 

 

They go for an afternoon outing. They lean on the railing of a bridge, watching the world pass them by. Entire crowds move back and forth, and Kagome says she hates it. It only serves to remind her of how small they are in the grand scheme of things, and that despite how upset she is over Kikyo’s eventual passing, it means nothing to the rest of the world.

 

“It’s mostly my fault, I guess. It feels like I’m stuck in this terrible place forever, while everyone passes me by. And it’s just. It’s just not _fair_. I should be able to stop this,” Kagome says, eyes cast downward.

 

Moving on is hard. Moving on from Inuyasha took a long while – for the both of them. Kagome asks Kikyo what he might have thought of, if he saw the two of them together. Kikyo doesn’t really know. She knew an younger Inuyasha, one who was a little less jaded and more open. Kagome would likely know him better, but she answers anyways. She thinks he might have been upset, but that at the end of the day, he would have accepted it.

 

“Do you think he thought I abandoned him?” Kagome asks sadly.

 

“No. He wouldn’t have thought so,” Kikyo replies. “And I’m sure he missed you as much as you miss him.”

 

Kagome smiles, before breaking again. It’s just so hard, she says, as her tears fall down her cheeks. She still doesn’t know what to do. There had been so many plans for the future, so many things she wanted to do. And now, they’re gone to the wind like they never _mattered_. “Is this just going to be my life now? Tragedy after tragedy?” She laughs, but it rings a little hollow.

 

“You are stronger than you realize, Kagome. It was difficult in those moments, but you were able to push through. I… I am sorry I cannot do anything for you. But you still have a future. You’ll smile again. Please believe in that. It’s all I ask,” Kikyo tries telling her.

 

Kagome looks at her then, as the sun starts to set and casts an orange glow to everything around them. She swallows. “Marry me?”

 

“What?” Kikyo blinks.

 

“I. I know we don’t have much time left, and that maybe it’s all pointless, but…. please, would you marry me?” She asks again, pleading.

 

In a small way, Kagome is right. It is pointless. There is so little time. Kikyo will be gone by the end of the year. Kikyo will likely be gone much sooner. Kagome is too young to be a widow. She deserves to be with someone else who could give her all the life they had - a long one, where they can grow old together. But Kikyo says yes. She says yes anyways, despite how little time they have left. Everything she has, she pledges it all to Kagome.

 

As they kiss, Kikyo feels something shift in her.

 

 

 

 

 

Late at night, Kagome rests her head on Kikyo’s chest, where her heart would be.

Every moment could be the last, Kagome worries as she idly traces patterns on Kikyo’s bare shoulder. Kikyo stays silent as Kagome frowns, and buries herself deeper into their sheets – into her. No matter how warm the nights could get, Kikyo always remains cold. Kagome used to love to joke about it. She used to love saying that Kikyo was like a personal giant ice cube and Kikyo had joked back once, saying she didn’t think ice cubes came in people shapes.

 

“Well, maybe not like giant people shapes, but small ones.” Kagome giggled.

 

She does not joke on it anymore.

 

Late at night, Kagome kisses her like it’s the last time. A fire ignites in her belly, despite being so cold. Kagome always knows how to make her feel so warm. Her hands move to cup her breasts, and Kikyo gasps. Her hands are as soft as always, and well-practiced in her movements. Kagome is gentle in her work, almost afraid. Kikyo moves her hands on top of Kagome’s, pressing harder. Kikyo does not want the moment to be ruined. “I’m okay,” she whispers.

“I know,” Kagome says. “I’m sorry.”

 

A hand moves to separate her thighs. Kikyo opens herself up. Kagome’s other hand feels around her mound and below, like tracing a well-known map. She knows every inch, every spot. Kikyo can’t count the many times they had been like this over the past few years. She remembers how nervous Kagome was the first time. She worried Kikyo might not be able to feel anything but to both their pleasant surprises, she very much _did_. She traces her lips, rubbing at a steady rhythm, and Kikyo makes all sorts of little noises. She feels herself growing hotter, as Kagome moves to her clit.

They press against each other, as Kagome’s hips roll just like _that_. Kikyo’s mouth moves to Kagome’s neck as she lifts up her head, leaving Kikyo to bite and nibble as she liked. They press against each other harder, clinging to one another as they move back and forth, finding their unique rhythm, until they reach their peaks together. The moment ends, and they lie back in their bed in the dark, as Kagome buries herself again, and Kikyo holds her. They breathe in unison, in the afterglow.

 

 “I’m tired of crying,” she whispers.

 

“I know,” Kikyo says as she strokes Kagome’s hair.

 

“I wish things could be _different_ ,” she says.

 

“I know,” Kikyo says again.

 

Kagome looks at her, flushed and vulnerable. “Will… will I see you again?” Kikyo freezes. Sota had asked her that same question, and she lied. She could not lie to Kagome. She desperately wants to. There is so little hope in her, and Kikyo is the cause of it all. But she cannot lie to Kagome. Lying is perhaps even worse.

 

“I do not know,” she answers honestly. “But I hope so.”

 

Kagome smiles and kisses Kikyo. “I hope so too.”

 

 

 

 

 

It’s raining again.

Kikyo stands atop the stairs in her miko uniform, with a red umbrella. It’s been a raining a lot lately, she noticed – Kagome likes to say that the sky must be crying with them. Kikyo is unsure. There is little to cry over a dead woman who should have been long dead. But she says nothing, because she knows Kagome says it to feel better about what is going to happen. She’s held on longer than she thought she would. She’s surprised herself. She wonders if she was able to change, in the end. She wonders if she was able to become the priestess of her youth, and do so with a free, unburdened heart.

Kikyo hopes so.

Kagome appears with her blue umbrella. The clouds break as the rain lessens, and the sun reflects on grey steps. She smiles, and waves to Kagome before she suddenly _collapses_ , falling to her knees as her legs buckle from underneath. It takes her by surprise; she cannot get up. Kagome abandons her umbrella and races up the stairs to be at her side. Kagome almost sprains her ankle again in the process as she rushes, and asks what’s wrong, if there was anything she can do. Kikyo only smiles, as she lays her head on Kagome’s chest. Her time is coming.

 

“I’m dying,” she whispers.

 

“Please don’t say that,” Kagome’s voice is trembling.

 

“I know. I’m sorry.” Kikyo replies.

 

Kagome is crying again.

 

 

 

 

 

Kikyo is not let outside on her own from that point on. Someone always accompanies her wherever she goes; whether it be to the shrine, to buy food, or simply to sit outside – she is never left alone. It is almost _troublesome_ to be burdened like this, Kikyo thinks, as she lays down to rest in her bed. She is almost _offended_ – she is not a child, and does not need to be treated as such. Yet, she understands where it is coming from. It is coming from _concern_. She is _dying_ , and if she is now prone to sudden collapse, there must be someone there to help her.

Most days, it’s her wife who helps her around the house and the shrine, as she always does. Other days, it is Sota and her mother-in-law. Her end is coming, she thinks.

 

Everyone can feel _it_.

 

 

 

 

 

Kagome is officially put in lone charge of the shrine. Kikyo had meant this to happen a long time ago, but there had always been something in the way. As Kagome thanks her family, Kikyo cannot help but think of how proud she is of Kagome.

 

 

 

 

 

Kikyo is slowing down, she notices. She’s eating less. She’s drinking less. She’s not as active as she used to be. She’s lost the desire to eat and drink, and lays in bed for most of the day. It takes effort, but when Kagome brings Kikyo her meal of the day, she does her best to eat all that she can. It takes effort, but she does so to keep herself alive a little longer. For Kagome.

One day, no matter how hard she tries, she cannot get out of bed. She cannot force herself to eat or drink – her breakfast lies cold on the bed stand. She keeps holding on, however, just a little longer. It’s Sunday, she realizes as she glances up at the calendar Kagome dutifully checks off. She’s cleaning on her lonesome, and Kikyo apologies for not being able to help.

 

“It’s supposed to be our day to clean together,” Kikyo tells her as she looks to Kagome, whose grips tightens on the broom.

 

“I know. You’re doing the best you can. Please don’t worry about it,” she smiles as she holds back tears.

 

When she is done, Kagome lays her forehead on top of Kikyo’s, and closes her eyes. She feels a tear fall on her face. It’s Kagome’s.

 

“I love you,” she whispers.

 

“I love you too,” Kikyo replies, and holds her hand.

 

 

 

 

 

It is the last night, she thinks. She can feel the last bits of her soul draining away, as Kagome unwillingly eats it all. They’re back in their bed together, and Kagome holds her so tightly, as if that would stop Kikyo from going. Kikyo wishes it was so. Kikyo wishes for many things they cannot have.

Kagome wanted to stay up, to witness her last moments, but exhaustion overtook her. Kagome is fast asleep, and Kikyo is glad. It means she will at least have a moment of peace before the inevitable. She remembers how brash and stupid she once thought Kagome was. She remembers how stubborn she could be, stubborn in her anger, in her recklessness and in her kindness. She saw Kagome as a replacement, and treated her as such. And yet, Kagome helped her. She never stopped helping her.

 

She’s close to crying herself.

 

Kagome had impacted her in ways Kikyo couldn’t even begin to list. Somehow, this young bright stubborn girl dug her way into her heart, and made it her home. Never once did she give up on her, never once had Kagome left her side. Even in her death, Kagome is here. Kikyo holds her close, and she is thankful for all she had done. She wishes nothing but the best for her.

As the night wears on, she can feel it. She can feel her death. She takes a deep breath as she kisses Kagome one last time.

 

“There shall be no words to describe how much I have loved you. How much I have come to care for you. How much you have done for me. I could give my thanks for a thousand days, and it would still not be enough.” She whispers to Kagome, though she knows she can’t hear her. Perhaps it was easier this way. “Please… smile again someday. It’s all I ask.”

 

It’s funny – for the longest time, Kikyo thought she had accepted her death. But yet, here she was, clinging to every last moment to keep her eyes on Kagome’s face. She smiled as she placed a hand on her cheek. This determination… It had to be from Kagome. Kikyo can only hope she keeps it in the days to come.

 

It’s time. She can’t hold any longer.

_If there is another way for us to meet again……_

_Let us meet again._

_I want to love you again._

_Wouldn’t you?_

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> first things first. the first line of the summary is the translated kanji (found on reddit) of the sentence that appears in the short that became the primary inspiration for this. (beginning or end i am unsure)
> 
> the short can be viewed here (tw character death and heavily implied smut(yuri) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RzNDZFQllA
> 
> for anyone concerned, this is not the true endng of my other fic that takes place in the same setting with the same characters. chapter 15 is not going to come out and it'll just be an authors note being like "HA YOU GOT PUNKED". think of this as more as something that COULD happen but could also NOT at the same time.
> 
> the truth of the matter is what i intended to right today was meant to be bittersweet, and simply became a straight punch of sad in the process. i've been thinking about death a lot - how it feels like to die and what might be on the other side. and mainly, the aftermath for those who will still be around. did i make a difference? was i truly of value? if i'm gone tomorrow, will someone cry over me? i struggle with these feelings a lot.
> 
> i guess, at the end of the day, you can call this fic an exploration on my beliefs on death and the aftermath (not so much the afterlife). i like to think the answers to the questions above are a yes, but maybe i'm just telling myself that to make myself feel better. btw please don't worry about me! i'm okay. i think that sometimes.... you just need to be sad, and you need to explore feelings. because if there is no sadness, what would happiness truly be worth? i like to think healthy exploration of your emotions means you're self-aware enough to deal with them properly and i guess today was just that day!
> 
> man does anyone read these anyways? or am i just talking to the wind??


End file.
